The Person at Work Who Drains You

PHASE VI Issue No. 14

The Six Life Domains | Work Domain

● When One Colleague Makes Every Working Day Feel Heavy

Some mornings, you wake up feeling ready for work. Then you remember one person you will have to face. Suddenly, your stomach tightens. Your enthusiasm disappears.

You have not even left home, yet your day already feels heavy.

Perhaps it is the colleague who embarrasses you in front of others. The supervisor who finds fault with everything. The person who smiles at you but speaks differently behind your back.

Or the teammate whose anger makes everyone walk carefully, choosing every word.

You tell yourself, “It is only work. I should not let it affect me.” But by evening, you are still replaying the conversation. At dinner, you are quieter. At bedtime, the words return.

Sometimes the most exhausting part of a job is not the work itself. It is the emotional effort of surviving someone at work.

The Pain Nobody Sees

An employee can meet every target yet dread entering the office. Repeated criticism may erode confidence, prompting self-doubt, unnecessary apologies and reluctance to contribute ideas.

Feeling hurt does not mean someone is weak, nor does discomfort automatically indicate abuse. Context, patterns, power differences and impact matter.

Workplace disagreements, firm corrections and stressful periods are normal. However, repeated humiliation, intimidation, exclusion, threats, deliberate sabotage and personal attacks warrant serious attention, particularly when they persist despite reasonable attempts to resolve them.

The key question is not whether we like a colleague, but what actually happens, how often it occurs, and how it affects our ability to work and feel safe.

The Smile That Disappears at Home

Workplace distress can follow us home, turning exhaustion into irritability towards loved ones who are not responsible. We may hide our feelings at work but release them with family.

Recognising this spillover is not about self-blame. It is about seeking support and protecting both our wellbeing and relationships.

Why We Sometimes Stay Silent

Many workers cannot simply resign because of financial responsibilities, family commitments or fear of retaliation. Others remain silent because they lack support or fear worsening the situation.

Rather than casually advising them to leave, we should recognise their constraints. Compassion means considering their safety, finances, available options and support before making such a difficult decision.

The Love Forensic Investigation

When someone says a colleague drains them emotionally, I would ask what happened, whether it was isolated or repeated, what evidence exists, and whether authority or unclear expectations play a role.

I would also explore how the situation affects their wellbeing, confidence, sleep and home life.

The aim is not to judge who is right prematurely, but to distinguish facts from assumptions, assess risks and identify a response that protects their dignity and wellbeing.

Do Not Let Another Person Become Your Inner Voice

Repeated criticism can become an inner voice, making us anticipate failure and doubt our abilities. Confidence may diminish not because our competence has changed, but because our self-belief has been eroded.

Remember, a colleague’s judgement does not define your worth. Performance can improve; dignity should never be compromised.

Responding Without Losing Yourself

First, pause before reacting. A heated response may worsen matters. Where safe, use calm, specific language and request private discussions about difficult feedback.

Second, documents concerning incidents factually, including dates, words, actions, witnesses and relevant messages. Avoid rumours or personal campaigns.

Third, seek appropriate support from a trusted manager, human resources, an employee assistance service, union representative or professional adviser.

For threats, harassment, discrimination or safety risks, use formal reporting channels rather than relying solely on private reconciliation.

Finally, protect your recovery time. Recognise when you are repeatedly reliving workplace experiences and create a healthy transition between work and home.

If distress persists, disrupts sleep or affects daily life, consider seeking help from a qualified mental health professional.

To Leaders: People Remember How You Made Them Feel

A leader may forget a frustrated remark but an employee may remember it for years. Feedback and accountability matter, but humiliation is never good leadership.

Clear expectations, fair procedures and respectful correction foster trust. A psychologically safe workplace allows people to disagree, admit mistakes and raise concerns without fear of shame or threats.

Love Forensic Action Steps This Week

Ask yourself three questions:

What behaviour is troubling me?

What can I address safely and constructively?

Who can help if the situation continues?

Then take one small step. Document an incident, request a calm conversation, clarify expectations, speak to someone trustworthy or seek professional support.

You do not have to change an entire workplace culture in a week. Start by recognising that your feelings matter.

Dr Ben’s Reflection

I worry about those who return home each evening in silence, unwilling to burden their families or appear incapable. They are simply trying to survive another working day.

Perhaps you have cried quietly in your car before entering the office or sat outside your home because you did not want your children to see your sadness.

Perhaps you have promised yourself to be stronger tomorrow when what you truly needed was understanding and support.

Remember, you are more than your job title and more than one person’s opinion. You should never have to lose yourself to earn a living.

We cannot control every personality or disagreement, but we can recognise harmful patterns, protect our boundaries and ask for help.

Tonight, when you leave work, leave behind not only your laptop but also the belief that someone else determines your worth.

Your family deserves to see you smile again. More importantly, so do you.

NEXT SATURDAY — ISSUE NO. 15

THE BOSS YOU FEAR — When Leadership Makes People Afraid to Speak

When footsteps silence a room, messages are rewritten repeatedly, and good ideas remain unspoken, is it respect or fear?

Next Saturday, Love Forensic explores how leadership can destroy trust, create silence, and leave seemingly compliant employees suffering quietly behind closed doors.

● Dr. Benfadzil Mohd Salleh | Forensic Psychologist | Founder, Benfadzil Academy. HP: 0122350404, Email: drbenfadzil@gmail.com

Love Forensic — Understanding People • Strengthening Families • Building Communities • Developing Nations

The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune.