Finding forgiveness while caring for a father with dementia

Leong Jui Chuan, or JC, has formed a deeper bond with her father, Leong Choong Mun, since his dementia diagnosis. (Sheela Vijayan @ FMT Lifestyle) KLANG: Leong Jui Chuan recalled how during one conversation with her 83-year-old father, he said something unexpected: “If I have done anything wrong in the past, I want to apologise.”

She doesn’t know for sure if he was referring to something specific or if it was his dementia talking. But for the 41-year-old who lived with the hurt of a childhood experience, it was a tender moment.

“He doesn’t remember any painful past, and I thought, ‘What’s the point of lingering on it anyway?’” Jui Chuan, better known as JC, told FMT Lifestyle.

Growing up in Klang, JC said her father, Leong Choong Mun, was a man of strong opinions. One decision he made, in particular, left her resentful.

She was nine, and her father transferred her from a Chinese primary school to a private school in Subang so she could obtain a better English education.

She was doing well in her old school and wanted to stay with her friends. Used to being taught in Chinese, she struggled with English in private school and felt inferior to her new classmates.

From visiting Bukit Jugra to riding the LRT, JC makes time for outings with her father. (Leong Jui Chuan pics) “I still remember the anger, frustration and disappointment,” recalled JC, the younger of two children.

As school kept her busy, those feelings faded into the background. In time, JC became a travel consultant, married and had two children.

Her father, once a writer, later spent decades as a secretary for Chinese commerce associations. He lived alone in Ampang, nearer to his workplace in Pudu. Their time together dwindled down to a shared meal once a month.

Then, her father began forgetting how to get home on his motorbike. Once, he spent a night at a bus stop in Petaling Jaya; another at an eatery in Bangsar.

Neither he nor his family knew he had dementia.

JC has since learnt to be more patient when communicating with her father who has dementia. (Leong Jui Chuan pic) His independence was slipping in other ways.

Having never regained his vision from the cataract surgery he had four years ago, he resigned from his job. Dental problems made eating difficult and he lost weight. The family took him back to Klang, where he now lives with his wife and son.

When he was officially diagnosed with dementia in 2023, JC took it upon herself to look after her father. “I learnt how to adjust my routine to care for him, how to talk to him and understand his needs,” she recalled.

These days, JC visits him several times a week. They spend time at cafés and the pasar malam, play board games, go for walks and sing at karaokes.

Sometimes, they sit in the field near his home, clapping their hands and making silly faces - simple exercises that JC said help strengthen his facial muscles. These exercises also send JC and her father into giggles.

Choong Mun is all smiles on a cruise with JC - a memory she cherishes. (Leong Jui Chuan pic) Since routine is important for those with dementia, JC helped structure her father’s daily sleep times, meals and exercise sessions.

She admitted that caring for him sometimes tested her patience. However, along the way, she has learnt that contradicting him often leaves him confused - and one incident in particular showed how a gentler response allowed the moment to pass peacefully.

He had packed his work bag, certain his boss was taking him for a meeting in Ipoh. Rather than correct him, JC encouraged him to shower and get ready. Later, he had completely forgotten about the meeting and wanted to eat.

This chapter of their lives has also made room for new memories. These days, JC takes her father on holidays. They’ve spent time at a beach in Kuala Terengganu and taken a cruise to Jakarta and Singapore.

“If you ask him about the cruise, he doesn’t remember. But it’s a memory for me,” said JC.

JC treasures time with her father, finding joy in simple moments. (Sheela Vijayan @ FMT Lifestyle) Along the way, they’ve become closer, and old hurts have healed. “At some point, you just have to let go. You just learn to forgive because you want to move forward.”

Sometimes, her father mistakes her for his sister. JC laughs it off, reminding him she’s his daughter. Understanding his condition, she now wants to make their time together meaningful.

Asked what she would tell the daughter she was before her father’s diagnosis, her answer is simple: “Spend more time with him.”