The boss you fear

SOME people wake up every morning with a strange heaviness in their chest. Not because they dislike their work. Not because they are lazy. But because they know who will be waiting at the office.

Before the day begins, they rehearse their words. They check the same email three times. They wonder whether a simple mistake will become another public humiliation.

At home, their family asks, “Why are you so quiet?” They answer, “Nothing. Just tired.” But the truth is harder to explain.

Sometimes the most frightening part of a working day is not the workload. It is the person who controls it.

When a name on the screen changes your heartbeat

Imagine sitting down to dinner. Your child is telling you about school. Your phone lights up with your supervisor’s name. Suddenly, you are no longer listening to your child. Your thoughts rush back to the office.

Perhaps the message is ordinary. Perhaps it is urgent. But when past interactions have been humiliating or unpredictable, even a notification may bring dread.

Some workers begin to doubt every decision. They apologise before they have done anything wrong. They avoid asking questions, then get blamed for not asking. Slowly, confidence is replaced by caution.

That is not the same as saying every demanding boss is harmful. Leaders must set standards, correct mistakes and make difficult decisions. The difference lies in how they use their authority.

Respect is not the same as fear

A firm supervisor can say, “This report needs correcting,” without saying, “You are useless.” A responsible manager can ask for accountability without making an employee feel small.

Constructive feedback describes the problem, explains what must improve and leaves room for dignity. Intimidation attacks the person, threatens them, humiliates them or makes the rules impossible to predict.

Fear may produce silence and short-term compliance. It does not reliably produce trust, creativity or honest communication.

An employee who is afraid to admit a mistake may hide it. A team afraid to ask questions may stop learning. And a workplace where everyone is silent can look peaceful while becoming deeply unsafe emotionally.

The pain we bring home

I am especially concerned about what happens after the employee leaves the building.

A mother who has been spoken to harshly all day may return home with little patience left. A father who has been publicly embarrassed may sit quietly through dinner, feeling that he has failed even when he has done his best.

The people at home see the withdrawal, the irritation, the sleeplessness. They may not see the fear behind it.

Sometimes a spouse asks, “Why don’t you just resign?” But the answer may be school fees, rent, elderly parents, debts or the fear that another job will not come.

Please do not confuse staying with weakness. For some people, remaining employed is a difficult calculation about survival and responsibility.

The Love Forensic investigation

When someone tells me, “My boss is destroying me,” I want to understand what is happening, not simply attach a label to a person.

Is the behaviour occasional or repeated? Is criticism specific and fair, or personal and degrading? Are expectations clear?

Does the same pattern affect others? What happens when concerns are raised? Is there retaliation or a threat to safety?

I also want to understand the emotional cost. Has the employee started fearing Sunday evenings? Are they losing sleep, withdrawing from family, experiencing panic-like symptoms or believing they are no longer capable?

These questions help distinguish ordinary workplace pressure, poor management, interpersonal conflict and possible bullying. We should not diagnose a boss from one upsetting incident, but neither should we dismiss a repeated pattern of harm.

When you begin to believe the hurtful words

Repeated criticism can make capable employees doubt their abilities and worth. Remember, a supervisor can assess your work, but cannot define your value as a person. Performance can improve, mistakes can be corrected, and skills can grow. Your dignity, however, should never be the price of keeping your job.

What can you do without making things worse?

Start by documenting dates, instructions, incidents, witnesses and their effects, while respecting workplace confidentiality. Where safe, request written expectations and ask calmly for clarification.

Seek support from an appropriate manager, human resources, an employee assistance programme, union representative or labour channel.

For threats, discrimination, serious harassment or safety risks, prioritise protection and formal help rather than confronting the person alone.

Speak to someone you trust outside work. Persistent insomnia, anxiety, low mood or declining daily functioning warrant assessment by a qualified health professional.

If leaving becomes necessary, plan carefully. Protecting yourself is not failure.

A word to those who lead

Supervisors should consider how their teams feel when their names appear on their phones: respected or afraid? A frustrated remark may stay with an employee for years. Leadership is not measured by obedience alone, but by whether people can speak honestly, seek help and go home with their self-respect intact.

Love Forensic action steps this week

Ask yourself: What incident should I document? Who can I safely confide in? What boundary would protect my personal time? If you manage people, consider whether your feedback clarifies the work or diminishes the person. Neither question solves everything, but both can start a more honest conversation.

Dr. Ben’s reflection

I think of the worker who sits in the car, gathering courage before another day at the office, and the parent who wipes away tears before facing their children. I think of those who once loved their work but now dread Monday.

Your fear deserves to be taken seriously. Your responsibilities matter, but so does your wellbeing. Do not let someone else’s harshness become your inner voice. You are more than a performance review, a mistake or a superior’s opinion.

Work should demand your effort, not cost you your humanity. When you return home tonight, may those you love receive more than whatever remains of you after fear has taken its share.

NEXT SATURDAY — ISSUE NO. 16

When the office becomes a battlefield

Office Politics, Betrayal and the Colleague You No Longer Trust

You trusted colleagues, shared ideas and supported the team, only to discover your words twisted or trust betrayed.

How do office politics affect relationships and self-perception?

Next Saturday, Love Forensic explores workplace gossip, hidden alliances and quiet betrayals, and how to remain professional without becoming emotionally hardened.

Dr. Benfadzil Mohd Salleh | Forensic Psychologist | Founder, Benfadzil Academy,

HP: 0122350404, Email: drbenfadzil@gmail.com

Love Forensic — Understanding People

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The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune.